i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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