update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am mentally ready for anal.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
