I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
