there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
