Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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