I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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