There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
