you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Drake has all the answers
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
