Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
