I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
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my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
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He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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