Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
if only i could text you this smell
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
