a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
