Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
