Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
