Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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