she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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