Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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