he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
