So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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