I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
