I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize