A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
