me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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