I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
