god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
