Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
