he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
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