I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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