Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
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When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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