Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
