and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
