its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
