i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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