i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
this hospital has no fireball
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
