I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
