If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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