Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
