woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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