Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
