Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
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