I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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