i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
