Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
