on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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