how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
