I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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