I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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