I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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