i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
