I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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