Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
