we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
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I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
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My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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