she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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