My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
