the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
