she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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