explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
