Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
